CBT: Session Seven “Are You Strong Enough to Keep Your Temper?”

Anger isn’t something I have a problem with.  I mean I don’t get outwardly angry.  I can recall only two episodes in my life where I have expressed significant anger.  I feel frustrated, but I don’t express anger, according to this session’s little book, is a good thing.  I tend to cry, which people interpret as sad or upset, which makes me more frustrated!

I only made it half way through the session last night, because I had what I assume was a partial seizure.  It felt like static electricity zapping my brain and I lost the ability to communicate for a few minutes.  I could tell that one of the facilitators noticed something wasn’t right, but as she had a room full of people, she didn’t say anything.  During the break I told them I needed to go home and Mum picked me up.  I’m still not feeling 100%, but I haven’t told my boss.

I would have been six months seizure free next week.  But it was so minor, I didn’t even burst into tears afterwards... I feel like bursting into tears now.  It’s my birthday today K

CBT: Session Six 'The Things You Do That Mess You Up'

This session really resonated with me, for two reasons - procrastination and rumination. It feels like I am living in a constant cycle of procrastination and rumination.

At work I find myself wasting so much time and leaving jobs until the very last minute, or after the last minute, in some cases. Time just disappears. It can take me two weeks to type up a two hour meeting. How??

Weekends just disappear. When I was off work, days would melt into each other and I would achieve nothing. Four months of wasted time I will never get back.

And as for rumination, I can't stand to be alone in my own head, hence my obsession with audiobooks. I can't sleep without them. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain goes into overdrive and I can spend hours lying awake thinking about every mistake I've ever made. The walk to work I need my earphones in, or I would drive myself crazy. Surely that's not normal?

This evening we were also told to identify bad habits. Binge-watching TV is definitely a bad habit, as it's every single night. It's all we do during the week (except Thursdays now). I have to find a way to break that habit. Not just for me, for Mum too. I also need to work on my sugar addiction. And procrastination is obviously a big one.

Lots of homework tonight!

CBT: Session Five 'How to Fix Almost Everything'

The CBT session on Monday made me feel weirdly... restless.  The theme was ‘how to fix almost everything’ and there were strategies on breaking problems down into easy-to-solve chunks.  During the session we had to think of a problem to solve and use a worksheet to solve it.  I couldn’t think of one.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have any problems.  I know I have problems.  Maybe it’s because I don’t think my problems can be solved with a worksheet?  Only ‘practical’ problems can be solved with this model.  Does this mean all my problems are ‘hypothetical’ problems? 

I know headaches can’t be ‘solved’ and right now that is the only problem I can see.  Since I had an EEG yesterday and was forced to stare at strobe lights with sensors stuck to my scalp, my head has been screaming.

Do I tell my boss?  I don’t want to let her down.  She seems pleased with my progress and if I let her know I’m struggling, it will make her doubt my abilities.  I wish I could switch off this voice in my head.

Fire Starter

Today I built a fire. In a pub! We took our dog for a walk in the forest and stopped for a hot chocolate in Lyndhurst on the way home. We sat at the table nearest the fire and there was a sign saying “if you sit here, you are responsible for the fire”. It was just embers when we arrived, but I decided to try to revive it. When we left, the fire was raging and I felt really proud of myself.

It sounds silly that something so trivial could make me feel so good. When I visited Mum in Kenya I tried to build a fire and failed miserably, so to finally succeed showed me I’m not totally useless. So there! Take that negative thoughts!

There’s a metaphor in here somewhere. I might investigate at a later date.

CBT: Session Four 'I'm Not Good Enough'

This session we talked about negative thoughts we have about ourselves, where they come from and how they perpetuate. I had to smile when the scenario they used was, " you come back from a meeting to find your colleagues have gone for coffee without you". I told them it happened to me, but it wasn't coffee, it was the Christmas party! Then I felt the familiar punch-in-the-stomach feeling I get when I think of myself back then and how it took me another ten months after this incident to walk out of there. Did I really think so little of myself to put myself through it for so long? What was stopping me? Not that it matters now.

Part of my homework is to write a list of things I like about myself. There are a lot of things I like about myself. Or about the person I usually am. I am still not feeling myself, but I'm getting there. Slowly.

I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss my progress and plan next month's hours. I hope to go up to 30 hours - not sure I'm ready for full-time yet. I think she's happy with me so far. Let's see what happens!

Remember This

I had a review meeting with my boss today to see how my return-to-work is going. I told her what I was working on and with a look of pleasant surprise she said, "oh, I was going to ask you to do that today!" See. I can do my job. And I can do it well.

Remember this. Whenever negative thoughts slip in and try to trip me up, I must try to remember the look on my boss's face. She was proud of me. I should be proud of me.

I finally got around to replacing my NHS staff ID badge today. I have had the form in my drawer for over a year. It no longer says 'secretary' - my role was never a secretary. It finally says 'administrator'. And I am happy with that for now. Despite the geeky photo.

CBT: Session Three ‘Why Does Everything Always Go Wrong?’

This evening’s session was interesting because it focused on ‘unhelpful thinking habits’ such as catastrophising, thinking we can read minds or assuming we can see the future! We all do it, but when you’re drowning in your thoughts, it’s harder to fight them off or apply reason.

I do try to reason with myself when I feel my mind running away from me. The ‘stream of consciousness’ post last week did just that. It’s funny, that was one of the ways we were told to tackle the thoughts - to write them down. Check me out! I’m my own therapist.

I made a decision today, to commit to a friend on a weekly basis. It will mean going out every Thursday evening and actually being with people. Why is this such a big deal? I used to do it twice/three times a week without blinking! I am proud of myself and a big part of me is hoping I might find the person I used to be. The other part is just hoping I don’t let my friend down. This used to be so easy.