Wednesday, 5 June 2013

What If I Do? What If I Don't?

I am waiting for a phone call. A phone call to tell me whether I have a job. I had an interview on Friday for an administrative post in Human Resources at a hospital. I worked there for a while as a temp and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am not used to enjoying my job or liking the people I work with! I have always said I do not want to work in Human Resources.

I don't. 

But I am taking this opportunity to apply for a job I don't hate while I work towards the work I DO want. I cannot see myself achieving anything while in a stressful situation. I need to feel happy in myself or I will not get anywhere with my studies, which is why I walked out of my last job eight months ago. 

I think the reason I feel terrified of being offered a permanent position is that the last permanent position almost ruined my life. And I have been out of work for so long I don't know how to do this. 

Obviously, the reason I am terrified of not being offered the post is... what do I do then? I have had enough of relying on my parents. The idea of asking my parents for money makes me feel ashamed of myself. I want to make them proud. How can I do this if they are having to support me? They tell me it's ok but it's not. It's really not. Regardless of how they feel it is ripping me apart.