Why?!

Wow. I have been sitting in a coffee shop for over three hours, Uni textbook open, pen and highlighters at the ready... What the HELL have I been doing for three hours? Aside from being accosted by an old man who insisted on telling me his life-story. Famous artist, renowned country and gospel song-writer, musician, engineer... He had to give it all up when he developed a medical condition which made his hands swell... Hmmmm. The optimist in me wants to believe him, but the realist tends to doubt a lot of it. It's sad.

I have to keep reminding myself exactly WHY I am studying. A degree. I want, no NEED a degree. I need to prove that I can do it; to myself, to the world and to make my teachers proud. Those who believed in me and inspired me. I have dreams but I am finding it hard to find the strength to reach them. What makes people strong enough to achieve... anything?!

I am incredibly proud of myself for standing up for myself and escaping a job that was sucking everything out of me; happiness, energy, dreams, enthusiasm for ANYTHING... It was a big step and I knew it would take a while to find my feet. And part of me has. I am really enjoying work for once. It's a terrifying feeling. Completely alien. Part of me is waiting for the bubble to burst. The bubble that is left where stress used to be. I need to find a way to fill this space. It feels like a vacuum. It's unnerving having what used to be such a large part of me missing. What do people do with that space in their heads?

I feel happy. I can honestly say I am happy for the first time in years. But I have moments of contemplation which scare me. Stupid right? I can see my goal - once I have a degree I can move on to a qualification to lead directly to my dream of becoming a librarian. It is right there in front of me. So why am I finding it so challenging? Is it fear? Am I afraid to grasp the thing I have dreamed of? Many people don't know what they want, but they have the strength and focus to get on with their lives regardless.

Even in writing this post I am avoiding my studies. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!