CBT: Session Seven “Are You Strong Enough to Keep Your Temper?”

Anger isn’t something I have a problem with.  I mean I don’t get outwardly angry.  I can recall only two episodes in my life where I have expressed significant anger.  I feel frustrated, but I don’t express anger, according to this session’s little book, is a good thing.  I tend to cry, which people interpret as sad or upset, which makes me more frustrated!

I only made it half way through the session last night, because I had what I assume was a partial seizure.  It felt like static electricity zapping my brain and I lost the ability to communicate for a few minutes.  I could tell that one of the facilitators noticed something wasn’t right, but as she had a room full of people, she didn’t say anything.  During the break I told them I needed to go home and Mum picked me up.  I’m still not feeling 100%, but I haven’t told my boss.

I would have been six months seizure free next week.  But it was so minor, I didn’t even burst into tears afterwards... I feel like bursting into tears now.  It’s my birthday today K

CBT: Session Six 'The Things You Do That Mess You Up'

This session really resonated with me, for two reasons - procrastination and rumination. It feels like I am living in a constant cycle of procrastination and rumination.

At work I find myself wasting so much time and leaving jobs until the very last minute, or after the last minute, in some cases. Time just disappears. It can take me two weeks to type up a two hour meeting. How??

Weekends just disappear. When I was off work, days would melt into each other and I would achieve nothing. Four months of wasted time I will never get back.

And as for rumination, I can't stand to be alone in my own head, hence my obsession with audiobooks. I can't sleep without them. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain goes into overdrive and I can spend hours lying awake thinking about every mistake I've ever made. The walk to work I need my earphones in, or I would drive myself crazy. Surely that's not normal?

This evening we were also told to identify bad habits. Binge-watching TV is definitely a bad habit, as it's every single night. It's all we do during the week (except Thursdays now). I have to find a way to break that habit. Not just for me, for Mum too. I also need to work on my sugar addiction. And procrastination is obviously a big one.

Lots of homework tonight!

CBT: Session Five 'How to Fix Almost Everything'

The CBT session on Monday made me feel weirdly... restless.  The theme was ‘how to fix almost everything’ and there were strategies on breaking problems down into easy-to-solve chunks.  During the session we had to think of a problem to solve and use a worksheet to solve it.  I couldn’t think of one.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have any problems.  I know I have problems.  Maybe it’s because I don’t think my problems can be solved with a worksheet?  Only ‘practical’ problems can be solved with this model.  Does this mean all my problems are ‘hypothetical’ problems? 

I know headaches can’t be ‘solved’ and right now that is the only problem I can see.  Since I had an EEG yesterday and was forced to stare at strobe lights with sensors stuck to my scalp, my head has been screaming.

Do I tell my boss?  I don’t want to let her down.  She seems pleased with my progress and if I let her know I’m struggling, it will make her doubt my abilities.  I wish I could switch off this voice in my head.

Fire Starter

Today I built a fire. In a pub! We took our dog for a walk in the forest and stopped for a hot chocolate in Lyndhurst on the way home. We sat at the table nearest the fire and there was a sign saying “if you sit here, you are responsible for the fire”. It was just embers when we arrived, but I decided to try to revive it. When we left, the fire was raging and I felt really proud of myself.

It sounds silly that something so trivial could make me feel so good. When I visited Mum in Kenya I tried to build a fire and failed miserably, so to finally succeed showed me I’m not totally useless. So there! Take that negative thoughts!

There’s a metaphor in here somewhere. I might investigate at a later date.

CBT: Session Four 'I'm Not Good Enough'

This session we talked about negative thoughts we have about ourselves, where they come from and how they perpetuate. I had to smile when the scenario they used was, " you come back from a meeting to find your colleagues have gone for coffee without you". I told them it happened to me, but it wasn't coffee, it was the Christmas party! Then I felt the familiar punch-in-the-stomach feeling I get when I think of myself back then and how it took me another ten months after this incident to walk out of there. Did I really think so little of myself to put myself through it for so long? What was stopping me? Not that it matters now.

Part of my homework is to write a list of things I like about myself. There are a lot of things I like about myself. Or about the person I usually am. I am still not feeling myself, but I'm getting there. Slowly.

I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss my progress and plan next month's hours. I hope to go up to 30 hours - not sure I'm ready for full-time yet. I think she's happy with me so far. Let's see what happens!

Remember This

I had a review meeting with my boss today to see how my return-to-work is going. I told her what I was working on and with a look of pleasant surprise she said, "oh, I was going to ask you to do that today!" See. I can do my job. And I can do it well.

Remember this. Whenever negative thoughts slip in and try to trip me up, I must try to remember the look on my boss's face. She was proud of me. I should be proud of me.

I finally got around to replacing my NHS staff ID badge today. I have had the form in my drawer for over a year. It no longer says 'secretary' - my role was never a secretary. It finally says 'administrator'. And I am happy with that for now. Despite the geeky photo.

CBT: Session Three ‘Why Does Everything Always Go Wrong?’

This evening’s session was interesting because it focused on ‘unhelpful thinking habits’ such as catastrophising, thinking we can read minds or assuming we can see the future! We all do it, but when you’re drowning in your thoughts, it’s harder to fight them off or apply reason.

I do try to reason with myself when I feel my mind running away from me. The ‘stream of consciousness’ post last week did just that. It’s funny, that was one of the ways we were told to tackle the thoughts - to write them down. Check me out! I’m my own therapist.

I made a decision today, to commit to a friend on a weekly basis. It will mean going out every Thursday evening and actually being with people. Why is this such a big deal? I used to do it twice/three times a week without blinking! I am proud of myself and a big part of me is hoping I might find the person I used to be. The other part is just hoping I don’t let my friend down. This used to be so easy.

It's Not The End of the World. Honest.

Okay, I made it to Day Five back at work without making a mistake... here is a stream of consciousness I wrote at the time.  I thought it would be interesting to keep a note of it.

This is a good opportunity to take a step back and think about the approaches the CBT has been teaching you.  Don't panic.  Just because you emailed the mistake straight to the Department Manager before you realised, does not mean the world is coming to an end.  You could burst into tears, storm out of the room and lock yourself in the toilets because you are useless.  You could sit here and stew and give yourself another headache.  Or you could be proactive and try to fix the problem to show your boss you aren't a total waste of space and use this as a lesson.

It's not a huge problem - it only seems that way because you are putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.  Was it a silly mistake?  Yes.  Was it easily avoidable?  Yes.  Will anyone die?  No.

*Context* I requested a meeting room.  The booking people booked a different meeting room that was too small.  I didn't check, so didn't realise this meeting room would be too small until I got an email back from the dept manager...

CBT: Session Two ‘I Can’t Be Bothered Doing Anything’

Lack of enthusiasm is something I am really struggling with at present.  I struggled to get out of bed this morning at 9:30am.  I got into bed at 22:30 last night.  That's eleven hours lying down.  So why am I so tired when I get up?  Last night's CBT session told me to set myself a 'bed time' and a 'get up time', but seeing as I don't start work until 11am at present, the temptation to stay in bed that little bit longer is just too strong.

The vivid dreams make sleep feel less restful.  Last night I dreamt I discovered my childhood Wendy-house had burned down.  It was intense.

I need to do more with my conscious time.  Binge-watching TV shows is not a good use of my time.  And I'm a bad influence on my mum.  This must stop.  I have so many books to read.  I have a reputation as a bookworm, but I struggle to focus long enough to read a chapter.

Upside: I haven't had a headache in two days - that's progress!

Hot Soup Headache

Imagine, if you will, your head is a bowl filled with thick, boiling soup. If you move your head too fast, hot soup will come sloshing out of ears and eyes and nose and mouth and ooze into a sticky mess... now imagine feeling like that for four days.

Thankfully, the soup has now cooled and there is no more sloshing, but the intensity of the heat has seared itself into my skull, like a second-degree burn. People have tried to hold conversations with me, but it was such hard work to wade into the soup to search for words and it took so much energy to pull those words out of the soup, that I found it easier to just keep quiet. By the time any words reached my mouth, they were irrelevant anyway.

Is this the depression, or the headache?

First Day Back

The walk to work this morning was filled with introspection. I picked calming music and tried to think calm thoughts on my trek up the hill. Must not provoke the monster.

I woke up with a headache, as expected, but I fought back and survived the four hours at my familiar desk; the necessary changing of passwords; deleting of old emails; updating of calendar... time flew by. And I weirdly enjoyed it. I've missed it. Whether I will still feel the same when the real work starts remains to be seen.

I won't lie, part of me did wonder why I fought so hard to be back at my desk when I could be in bed... I'm proud of myself.

First Day Back: Prologue

I feel like a child waiting for her first day of school. It has been four months since I have sat at my desk and tomorrow I will be back. Am I ready?

I feel reassured that my boss took the time to draw up a day-to-day comprehensive timetable of tasks for me. It makes me believe that she really wants me there, but at the same time it feels very restrictive. She is going to be watching me very closely. In the past I enjoyed (and probably took advantage of) the relaxed atmosphere. I fear there will be no more of that. What if things never go back to the way things were? What if everything I enjoyed about my job is gone?

Stop it. Positive thinking. It will be great to have purpose again. A reason to get up in the morning. The last four months have been wasted. I need to make this year count, in any way possible.

I'm excited. Honest.

CBT: Session One ‘Why Do I Feel So Bad?’

I’ve been off work for four months with various neurological symptoms and have been diagnosed with ‘chronic migraines’, for which I am now on beta-blockers. Having sat at home for four months, it seems I now also have depression, for which I have just started Sertraline and have been enrolled in an eight week group course of cognitive behavioural therapy. I had my first session this evening.

It wasn’t exactly what I expected. One of the group actually said, “I expected it to be like Alcoholics Anonymous’” but instead, it was twelve people sitting in two rows, in front of a PowerPoint presentation. We had one exercise in partners, otherwise we were just talked at and asked general questions. There was no ‘sharing’. CBT is about thoughts and behaviour rather than emotions, which is a relief because I was worried I would get too emotional.

I read through one of the books when I got home. I will look at  the exercises tomorrow. It seems like  Terry Pratchett’s concept of second and third thoughts - thinking about how I’m thinking about what I’m thinking. It makes sense. I just hope I can put it into practice. I will have a chance tomorrow as I have an *informal* meeting with my boss and HR to discuss returning to work. I am terrified, but I need to get back into a routine.

Maybe blogging about it will help. Who knows.

What If I Do? What If I Don't?

I am waiting for a phone call. A phone call to tell me whether I have a job. I had an interview on Friday for an administrative post in Human Resources at a hospital. I worked there for a while as a temp and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am not used to enjoying my job or liking the people I work with! I have always said I do not want to work in Human Resources.

I don't. 

But I am taking this opportunity to apply for a job I don't hate while I work towards the work I DO want. I cannot see myself achieving anything while in a stressful situation. I need to feel happy in myself or I will not get anywhere with my studies, which is why I walked out of my last job eight months ago. 

I think the reason I feel terrified of being offered a permanent position is that the last permanent position almost ruined my life. And I have been out of work for so long I don't know how to do this. 

Obviously, the reason I am terrified of not being offered the post is... what do I do then? I have had enough of relying on my parents. The idea of asking my parents for money makes me feel ashamed of myself. I want to make them proud. How can I do this if they are having to support me? They tell me it's ok but it's not. It's really not. Regardless of how they feel it is ripping me apart. 

Out of My Hands

I just submitted my final assignment for my foundation year at The Open University.  Did I do my best?  I don't know.  I am happy with what I wrote but I am sure there could have been improvements.  If I left it any longer I would have ripped the whole thing to shreds, so I took the leap and pressed the button.

I am one step closer to my BA in English Language & Literature.  I scored 5 B's and 2 C's but the final result won't be ready until at least July.  So I wait...

This year has been a tough one.  Learning how to learn again; how to study; how to focus myself; and how to do all that on my own.  Distance learning is a challenge.  Having to motivate myself with no one around me to share any of the struggle.  Yes, there are the online forums but they can only be supportive to a point.  I have to admit I am a bit useless.  I leave everything to the last minute then cram.  This last assignment was submitted three hours before deadline!  It is the way I do things, in study and in life.

I long to attend a university full-time.  To be immersed in that life, but for now, it is just me at my desk in my living room, surrounded by books and photographs of people who inspire me.  Most significantly my college literature teacher, Jon who has been an immeasurable motivator, whether he is in the room or in my mind.  His mantra "Language, form and structure!" echoes around my head in everything I write.  I wish he was standing here now.

I feel a bit lost.  With no studying until October, what do I do with my time?!  I might finally get some reading done.  Since starting my course in October I have not managed to read anything but a textbook or assigned reading material.  Looking at my bookshelf there is a lot of catching up to do!  Where do I start?

RSVP

I just received a wedding invitation from a guy I have known since we were nine years old.  We are now 27 and I am left with a "when the hell did that happen?!" feeling, like a punch in the stomach.  This will be the third such wedding I have been to.  I love the invitations with the little bows and silver-embossed writing on expensive paper, spelling the inevitable letters, RSVP.

Running through my list of friends I think I am the only one without a plus-one, which doesn't really bother me.  Other people would think *gasp* "you can't go to a wedding by yourself!  That's so sad!"

Why?

I don't feel ashamed that I am single.  No one should.  I do, very occasionally think it would be nice to have someone to share stuff, but I am quite content in my own little selfish bubble.  Yes, selfish.  I don't want to have to share my time, energy, food, or, perhaps most importantly, my space.

So I will turn up to the wedding looking stunning, obviously.  You never know, I might meet a nice bridesmaid...

Ambition?

What is ambition? I have been asking myself this question repeatedly over the past few days. Ambition is aiming at something and striving to reach it right? Does it matter what that is? Is there a bar at which something stops being a simple whimsey or idea and turns to ambition?

I have been telling myself I want to be a librarian. I have been telling everyone I want to be a librarian. What I really want to do is play with books and paper. Having spoken to a librarian, this is something that, in fact, librarians do not do. It is a dying profession. It is becoming an archaic idea. Why do people need books when they have the internet and e-books? This upsets me but it is the way the world is heading.

No, what I really want to do is archiving. Paper. Lots and lots of paper. I much prefer paper to people. Paper makes sense. So to do this I need a degree right? Which is why I'm studying with the Open University. I am coming to the end of my foundation year and I have really been enjoying the learning process again. Structured learning.

So, near future, my ambition is a degree. Simple. Only I am now finding my final assignment a struggle. All this sudden fascination with 'ambition' has taken my eye off my target. I am finally working towards the very thing I am aiming for and ironically the idea of ambition is getting in my way.

I just have to keep reminding myself why I am studying. So I can reach my goal. So I can wear the cap and gown and prove to myself that I can do it. I CAN do it, can't I? I just need to do it one assignment at a time. So start with this one...

"Leisure is a Time for Relaxation'. Do I agree or disagree with this statement?

Dunno.

Why?!

Wow. I have been sitting in a coffee shop for over three hours, Uni textbook open, pen and highlighters at the ready... What the HELL have I been doing for three hours? Aside from being accosted by an old man who insisted on telling me his life-story. Famous artist, renowned country and gospel song-writer, musician, engineer... He had to give it all up when he developed a medical condition which made his hands swell... Hmmmm. The optimist in me wants to believe him, but the realist tends to doubt a lot of it. It's sad.

I have to keep reminding myself exactly WHY I am studying. A degree. I want, no NEED a degree. I need to prove that I can do it; to myself, to the world and to make my teachers proud. Those who believed in me and inspired me. I have dreams but I am finding it hard to find the strength to reach them. What makes people strong enough to achieve... anything?!

I am incredibly proud of myself for standing up for myself and escaping a job that was sucking everything out of me; happiness, energy, dreams, enthusiasm for ANYTHING... It was a big step and I knew it would take a while to find my feet. And part of me has. I am really enjoying work for once. It's a terrifying feeling. Completely alien. Part of me is waiting for the bubble to burst. The bubble that is left where stress used to be. I need to find a way to fill this space. It feels like a vacuum. It's unnerving having what used to be such a large part of me missing. What do people do with that space in their heads?

I feel happy. I can honestly say I am happy for the first time in years. But I have moments of contemplation which scare me. Stupid right? I can see my goal - once I have a degree I can move on to a qualification to lead directly to my dream of becoming a librarian. It is right there in front of me. So why am I finding it so challenging? Is it fear? Am I afraid to grasp the thing I have dreamed of? Many people don't know what they want, but they have the strength and focus to get on with their lives regardless.

Even in writing this post I am avoiding my studies. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

Ghosts

I stayed at my grandparents the other night for the first time in over fifteen years. It was an intense experience because there are so many memories in the house and, I am sad to say, the bad memories overshadow the good. 

I lived there for a while when my parents were getting divorced, with my mum and brother. I remember nights sitting on the landing listening to upset voices from downstairs. 

I have spoken before about the big parties my grandparents used to host. Christmas, New Year, Hallowe'en. Now I am older I realise I was completely oblivious to the family politics - the unspoken hostility between certain people. How innocent I was. 

At this time my brother and I were the only children and we were content with this. It wasn't until I was ten years old that my family started to grow. And with it, the hostility. 

The family really fell apart thanks to one particular member of the family and the parties ceased. No more Christmas, New Year, Hallowe'en. No more communication.  

My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia. The bad memories really began. 

Back to the other night. The most intense flashback of my life happened when my grandmother asked what happened to the door frame in her bedroom. Thankfully she does not remember her psychotic breaks. The screaming. The struggles . The breaking-down of doors. The police cars and ambulances. The anger and the fear. 

After many of these incidents she was put into a psychiatric hospital. My visits always ended with tears. I would cry so hard I couldn't breathe. That was before I learned to accept myself as a stranger in her eyes. This acceptance makes it easier for both of us. 

Lyrics

"I quote others only to better express myself" - Montaigne

I have a playlist on my iPod of songs that express things I have been thinking. I hear lyrics and think "yes, that is relevant to me today!" (and none of them are love-songs, but we won't go into that)

I sometimes play a game with a friend in which we pick a 'song for the day'. Either a song about how we feel, or how we would like to feel that day. It is an interesting exercise in introspection and it is also comforting to know that others are thinking and feeling the same (obviously, or they would not have written songs about it)!

I need to play that game regularly. It helps me to focus. Today's song I think is "Every Day is Exactly the Same" by Nine Inch Nails. That says it all really. I seem to be swinging between over-enthusiasm and lethargy at present. I am angry at myself for wasting time.

Mondays and Tuesdays are my free evenings. What do I do with them? I have no idea! I get home from work at 6pm... suddenly it's 11pm! What do I do in those five hours?! Am I really lacking that much focus that I can lose five hours in a blink? It terrifies me.

"And we'll collect the moments one by one. I guess that's how the future's done" - Mushaboom