It's Not The End of the World. Honest.

Okay, I made it to Day Five back at work without making a mistake... here is a stream of consciousness I wrote at the time.  I thought it would be interesting to keep a note of it.

This is a good opportunity to take a step back and think about the approaches the CBT has been teaching you.  Don't panic.  Just because you emailed the mistake straight to the Department Manager before you realised, does not mean the world is coming to an end.  You could burst into tears, storm out of the room and lock yourself in the toilets because you are useless.  You could sit here and stew and give yourself another headache.  Or you could be proactive and try to fix the problem to show your boss you aren't a total waste of space and use this as a lesson.

It's not a huge problem - it only seems that way because you are putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.  Was it a silly mistake?  Yes.  Was it easily avoidable?  Yes.  Will anyone die?  No.

*Context* I requested a meeting room.  The booking people booked a different meeting room that was too small.  I didn't check, so didn't realise this meeting room would be too small until I got an email back from the dept manager...

CBT: Session Two ‘I Can’t Be Bothered Doing Anything’

Lack of enthusiasm is something I am really struggling with at present.  I struggled to get out of bed this morning at 9:30am.  I got into bed at 22:30 last night.  That's eleven hours lying down.  So why am I so tired when I get up?  Last night's CBT session told me to set myself a 'bed time' and a 'get up time', but seeing as I don't start work until 11am at present, the temptation to stay in bed that little bit longer is just too strong.

The vivid dreams make sleep feel less restful.  Last night I dreamt I discovered my childhood Wendy-house had burned down.  It was intense.

I need to do more with my conscious time.  Binge-watching TV shows is not a good use of my time.  And I'm a bad influence on my mum.  This must stop.  I have so many books to read.  I have a reputation as a bookworm, but I struggle to focus long enough to read a chapter.

Upside: I haven't had a headache in two days - that's progress!

Hot Soup Headache

Imagine, if you will, your head is a bowl filled with thick, boiling soup. If you move your head too fast, hot soup will come sloshing out of ears and eyes and nose and mouth and ooze into a sticky mess... now imagine feeling like that for four days.

Thankfully, the soup has now cooled and there is no more sloshing, but the intensity of the heat has seared itself into my skull, like a second-degree burn. People have tried to hold conversations with me, but it was such hard work to wade into the soup to search for words and it took so much energy to pull those words out of the soup, that I found it easier to just keep quiet. By the time any words reached my mouth, they were irrelevant anyway.

Is this the depression, or the headache?

First Day Back

The walk to work this morning was filled with introspection. I picked calming music and tried to think calm thoughts on my trek up the hill. Must not provoke the monster.

I woke up with a headache, as expected, but I fought back and survived the four hours at my familiar desk; the necessary changing of passwords; deleting of old emails; updating of calendar... time flew by. And I weirdly enjoyed it. I've missed it. Whether I will still feel the same when the real work starts remains to be seen.

I won't lie, part of me did wonder why I fought so hard to be back at my desk when I could be in bed... I'm proud of myself.

First Day Back: Prologue

I feel like a child waiting for her first day of school. It has been four months since I have sat at my desk and tomorrow I will be back. Am I ready?

I feel reassured that my boss took the time to draw up a day-to-day comprehensive timetable of tasks for me. It makes me believe that she really wants me there, but at the same time it feels very restrictive. She is going to be watching me very closely. In the past I enjoyed (and probably took advantage of) the relaxed atmosphere. I fear there will be no more of that. What if things never go back to the way things were? What if everything I enjoyed about my job is gone?

Stop it. Positive thinking. It will be great to have purpose again. A reason to get up in the morning. The last four months have been wasted. I need to make this year count, in any way possible.

I'm excited. Honest.

CBT: Session One ‘Why Do I Feel So Bad?’

I’ve been off work for four months with various neurological symptoms and have been diagnosed with ‘chronic migraines’, for which I am now on beta-blockers. Having sat at home for four months, it seems I now also have depression, for which I have just started Sertraline and have been enrolled in an eight week group course of cognitive behavioural therapy. I had my first session this evening.

It wasn’t exactly what I expected. One of the group actually said, “I expected it to be like Alcoholics Anonymous’” but instead, it was twelve people sitting in two rows, in front of a PowerPoint presentation. We had one exercise in partners, otherwise we were just talked at and asked general questions. There was no ‘sharing’. CBT is about thoughts and behaviour rather than emotions, which is a relief because I was worried I would get too emotional.

I read through one of the books when I got home. I will look at  the exercises tomorrow. It seems like  Terry Pratchett’s concept of second and third thoughts - thinking about how I’m thinking about what I’m thinking. It makes sense. I just hope I can put it into practice. I will have a chance tomorrow as I have an *informal* meeting with my boss and HR to discuss returning to work. I am terrified, but I need to get back into a routine.

Maybe blogging about it will help. Who knows.

What If I Do? What If I Don't?

I am waiting for a phone call. A phone call to tell me whether I have a job. I had an interview on Friday for an administrative post in Human Resources at a hospital. I worked there for a while as a temp and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am not used to enjoying my job or liking the people I work with! I have always said I do not want to work in Human Resources.

I don't. 

But I am taking this opportunity to apply for a job I don't hate while I work towards the work I DO want. I cannot see myself achieving anything while in a stressful situation. I need to feel happy in myself or I will not get anywhere with my studies, which is why I walked out of my last job eight months ago. 

I think the reason I feel terrified of being offered a permanent position is that the last permanent position almost ruined my life. And I have been out of work for so long I don't know how to do this. 

Obviously, the reason I am terrified of not being offered the post is... what do I do then? I have had enough of relying on my parents. The idea of asking my parents for money makes me feel ashamed of myself. I want to make them proud. How can I do this if they are having to support me? They tell me it's ok but it's not. It's really not. Regardless of how they feel it is ripping me apart.