First Day Back: Prologue

I feel like a child waiting for her first day of school. It has been four months since I have sat at my desk and tomorrow I will be back. Am I ready?

I feel reassured that my boss took the time to draw up a day-to-day comprehensive timetable of tasks for me. It makes me believe that she really wants me there, but at the same time it feels very restrictive. She is going to be watching me very closely. In the past I enjoyed (and probably took advantage of) the relaxed atmosphere. I fear there will be no more of that. What if things never go back to the way things were? What if everything I enjoyed about my job is gone?

Stop it. Positive thinking. It will be great to have purpose again. A reason to get up in the morning. The last four months have been wasted. I need to make this year count, in any way possible.

I'm excited. Honest.

CBT: Session One ‘Why Do I Feel So Bad?’

I’ve been off work for four months with various neurological symptoms and have been diagnosed with ‘chronic migraines’, for which I am now on beta-blockers. Having sat at home for four months, it seems I now also have depression, for which I have just started Sertraline and have been enrolled in an eight week group course of cognitive behavioural therapy. I had my first session this evening.

It wasn’t exactly what I expected. One of the group actually said, “I expected it to be like Alcoholics Anonymous’” but instead, it was twelve people sitting in two rows, in front of a PowerPoint presentation. We had one exercise in partners, otherwise we were just talked at and asked general questions. There was no ‘sharing’. CBT is about thoughts and behaviour rather than emotions, which is a relief because I was worried I would get too emotional.

I read through one of the books when I got home. I will look at  the exercises tomorrow. It seems like  Terry Pratchett’s concept of second and third thoughts - thinking about how I’m thinking about what I’m thinking. It makes sense. I just hope I can put it into practice. I will have a chance tomorrow as I have an *informal* meeting with my boss and HR to discuss returning to work. I am terrified, but I need to get back into a routine.

Maybe blogging about it will help. Who knows.

What If I Do? What If I Don't?

I am waiting for a phone call. A phone call to tell me whether I have a job. I had an interview on Friday for an administrative post in Human Resources at a hospital. I worked there for a while as a temp and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am not used to enjoying my job or liking the people I work with! I have always said I do not want to work in Human Resources.

I don't. 

But I am taking this opportunity to apply for a job I don't hate while I work towards the work I DO want. I cannot see myself achieving anything while in a stressful situation. I need to feel happy in myself or I will not get anywhere with my studies, which is why I walked out of my last job eight months ago. 

I think the reason I feel terrified of being offered a permanent position is that the last permanent position almost ruined my life. And I have been out of work for so long I don't know how to do this. 

Obviously, the reason I am terrified of not being offered the post is... what do I do then? I have had enough of relying on my parents. The idea of asking my parents for money makes me feel ashamed of myself. I want to make them proud. How can I do this if they are having to support me? They tell me it's ok but it's not. It's really not. Regardless of how they feel it is ripping me apart. 

Out of My Hands

I just submitted my final assignment for my foundation year at The Open University.  Did I do my best?  I don't know.  I am happy with what I wrote but I am sure there could have been improvements.  If I left it any longer I would have ripped the whole thing to shreds, so I took the leap and pressed the button.

I am one step closer to my BA in English Language & Literature.  I scored 5 B's and 2 C's but the final result won't be ready until at least July.  So I wait...

This year has been a tough one.  Learning how to learn again; how to study; how to focus myself; and how to do all that on my own.  Distance learning is a challenge.  Having to motivate myself with no one around me to share any of the struggle.  Yes, there are the online forums but they can only be supportive to a point.  I have to admit I am a bit useless.  I leave everything to the last minute then cram.  This last assignment was submitted three hours before deadline!  It is the way I do things, in study and in life.

I long to attend a university full-time.  To be immersed in that life, but for now, it is just me at my desk in my living room, surrounded by books and photographs of people who inspire me.  Most significantly my college literature teacher, Jon who has been an immeasurable motivator, whether he is in the room or in my mind.  His mantra "Language, form and structure!" echoes around my head in everything I write.  I wish he was standing here now.

I feel a bit lost.  With no studying until October, what do I do with my time?!  I might finally get some reading done.  Since starting my course in October I have not managed to read anything but a textbook or assigned reading material.  Looking at my bookshelf there is a lot of catching up to do!  Where do I start?

RSVP

I just received a wedding invitation from a guy I have known since we were nine years old.  We are now 27 and I am left with a "when the hell did that happen?!" feeling, like a punch in the stomach.  This will be the third such wedding I have been to.  I love the invitations with the little bows and silver-embossed writing on expensive paper, spelling the inevitable letters, RSVP.

Running through my list of friends I think I am the only one without a plus-one, which doesn't really bother me.  Other people would think *gasp* "you can't go to a wedding by yourself!  That's so sad!"

Why?

I don't feel ashamed that I am single.  No one should.  I do, very occasionally think it would be nice to have someone to share stuff, but I am quite content in my own little selfish bubble.  Yes, selfish.  I don't want to have to share my time, energy, food, or, perhaps most importantly, my space.

So I will turn up to the wedding looking stunning, obviously.  You never know, I might meet a nice bridesmaid...

Ambition?

What is ambition? I have been asking myself this question repeatedly over the past few days. Ambition is aiming at something and striving to reach it right? Does it matter what that is? Is there a bar at which something stops being a simple whimsey or idea and turns to ambition?

I have been telling myself I want to be a librarian. I have been telling everyone I want to be a librarian. What I really want to do is play with books and paper. Having spoken to a librarian, this is something that, in fact, librarians do not do. It is a dying profession. It is becoming an archaic idea. Why do people need books when they have the internet and e-books? This upsets me but it is the way the world is heading.

No, what I really want to do is archiving. Paper. Lots and lots of paper. I much prefer paper to people. Paper makes sense. So to do this I need a degree right? Which is why I'm studying with the Open University. I am coming to the end of my foundation year and I have really been enjoying the learning process again. Structured learning.

So, near future, my ambition is a degree. Simple. Only I am now finding my final assignment a struggle. All this sudden fascination with 'ambition' has taken my eye off my target. I am finally working towards the very thing I am aiming for and ironically the idea of ambition is getting in my way.

I just have to keep reminding myself why I am studying. So I can reach my goal. So I can wear the cap and gown and prove to myself that I can do it. I CAN do it, can't I? I just need to do it one assignment at a time. So start with this one...

"Leisure is a Time for Relaxation'. Do I agree or disagree with this statement?

Dunno.

Why?!

Wow. I have been sitting in a coffee shop for over three hours, Uni textbook open, pen and highlighters at the ready... What the HELL have I been doing for three hours? Aside from being accosted by an old man who insisted on telling me his life-story. Famous artist, renowned country and gospel song-writer, musician, engineer... He had to give it all up when he developed a medical condition which made his hands swell... Hmmmm. The optimist in me wants to believe him, but the realist tends to doubt a lot of it. It's sad.

I have to keep reminding myself exactly WHY I am studying. A degree. I want, no NEED a degree. I need to prove that I can do it; to myself, to the world and to make my teachers proud. Those who believed in me and inspired me. I have dreams but I am finding it hard to find the strength to reach them. What makes people strong enough to achieve... anything?!

I am incredibly proud of myself for standing up for myself and escaping a job that was sucking everything out of me; happiness, energy, dreams, enthusiasm for ANYTHING... It was a big step and I knew it would take a while to find my feet. And part of me has. I am really enjoying work for once. It's a terrifying feeling. Completely alien. Part of me is waiting for the bubble to burst. The bubble that is left where stress used to be. I need to find a way to fill this space. It feels like a vacuum. It's unnerving having what used to be such a large part of me missing. What do people do with that space in their heads?

I feel happy. I can honestly say I am happy for the first time in years. But I have moments of contemplation which scare me. Stupid right? I can see my goal - once I have a degree I can move on to a qualification to lead directly to my dream of becoming a librarian. It is right there in front of me. So why am I finding it so challenging? Is it fear? Am I afraid to grasp the thing I have dreamed of? Many people don't know what they want, but they have the strength and focus to get on with their lives regardless.

Even in writing this post I am avoiding my studies. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!